| Damn, that last poem holds true to the present, a dusky wrapping bound in flimsy tape ties, as it did almost a year ago when I wrote it first. It's jumping out at me screaming: Can you see the big picture yet, Rachel? Can you? Nothing's changed. Sigh. I don't let things go. I have everything in a death-grip. Then I wonder why everything is dropping pieces, when it's obvious that I held on to long and it died in my hands, and I had since forgotten about it. That's only half bullshit. I do try, I put a tremendous amount of effort in the things I deem worthy, and the happenstance that those things are the ones that fall apart is too frequent and often revealed too late. *********************************************************** In other news... I just had the strangest dream. That'll teach me to watch half of Taxi Driver high, and take a nap. I was getting married, due to pressure. It was kind of like this weird arranged marriage thing, parents beaming, intoxicated smiles, the world narrowed down to my back yard. It was to a guy, Scott, that I went to school with since kindergarden, we were even on the same kiddie softball team. We've talked a bit throughout school up to graduation but we were never friends, so why this person I have no idea. It was my wedding day, and I didn't want to get married because I didn't know the groom. I hadn't even slept with him, no flattery thick courting, smiles or flirtations. I was marrying an aquantince. And I didn't have an engagement ring, which bothered me a bit, wondering what that and the wedding rings would look like and even if they'd fit, but swirls of people were passing by, all happy and excited to be there, oblivious to my apprehension. I was supremely frustrated, trapped, and lost; and I didn't know how to tell everyone that I wanted to cancel the wedding. A huge unknowing of everything. I felt like Sara in The Labyrinth, wearing a beautiful dress, spinning and disoriented, among a costumed party. Except no one was wooing me and I just spun and spun. Though if it was David Bowie I was marrying in my dreams last night, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. I'm bizarre. I know. That's one of the few things I'm sure of. Comic book scores yesterday:
1. the new Mystic #20 OOH. I told T that I wanted the internship. It's a go. I'm gonna go for the interview some time in the next week and a half. Whoo Hoo.
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| Before - After |
| - - 2005-09-14 a first - 2002-10-21 stackers really is a psycotropic drug - 2002-10-04 nipples - 2002-10-01 yes i am - 2002-09-27 |
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| And for those of you, who are only here for the sex: The Erotic Entries
(This is not smut, or porn and it is not always explict so don't be expecting anything) |
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