I'm still mad at myself for it.
I called him.

Dammit!

He had hung up on me because "I disreguarded the fact that he was at work."
I need to "take a little responsibilty for my actions" and "how they'll affect others."

Fuck you. He's right in a way, but still; Fuck you.

Don't treat me like a child.

"You're acting like you're 16; not like you're about to be 21."
"Grow up."

Actually I'm a lot further along then a lot of people my age, if you want me to act like a 25 year-old, go find yourself a 25-year old. When we're fighting he always finds a way to cut me down and make me feel like I don't measure up.

Me: "Oh, so nobody takes me seriously."

He hung up on me again. I was pissed and called right back, and at least he picked up the phone instead of ignoring it. We talked a bit more, I don't remember verbaitum what about, but I got off the phone to get dressed for school at 11am.

********************************************************

So, o'course I was cranky going to school. But it was the T's class, and he made me laugh, and I saw friends from school which snapped me out of my funk.

Good people always do.

Meeting people energizes me. I do have my anxiety problems (you have to drag me out of the house at times) that I overcome by being really outgoing. It's my coping mechanism, but it helps me talk to people.

As Lori likes to say: "Rae, you'd talk to a rock if it'd answer back."

********************************************************

3:30 pm :

I wandered into Guacamole to go spend some money on myself. Hell, my birthday was the next day and I deserved to buy myself something.

Like I really needed an excuse.

I've been eyeing this red bag in there for 3 weeks. I've just been so broke that I never got around to picking it up. What better time than now, right?

It's a slightly over-sized purse, with large details, all chunky black zippers, metal slip clasps and belt-buckle ties.

I love it.

K thinks it cute, though L and Little M think it's gaudy. I don't care. I still love it. It fits me.

Lauren and Dolores (at school) both seperately referred to it as the 'Mary Poppin's Bag' after seeing all the stuff I kept pulling out of it. Dolores asked me where the lamp was... I wish! It would be awesome to have a cul-de-sac, an almost little self-contained dimesion-like space that holds everything. A faery(or fairy)-tail thing. Though if I had a wish, I would rather have wings.

While in the store both R and J called me.

I missed J's call, and I really didn't want to talk to him just then. I did, but, I wanted to focus on one thing at a time.

I caught R's call while my phone was still ringing, but I told him that I would call him back in 10 minutes because the music in the store was too loud. The speakers were right over my head.

He wanted to know if I was still coming with all of them that night. R had planned a group trip to go take a Ghost Tour of Fort Mifflin.

I played the wounded soul, and said only if he wanted me there.

He told me that we (a few people from different stores and JM, his best friend) were meeting at the B-store at 5:30.

********************************************************

Wed. night 5:45 :

I hate people that can't drive. I arrived at the store in a foul mood.

I go stuck behind this little old lady that wanted to play break-light tag. She had 3 & 1/2 car lengths between the 18-wheeler in front of her and my front bumper.

It wasn't bad enough that the trailer was doing 30mph in a 50, oh no, this half-in-the-grave-bitch was afraid to drive. At any given moment she could be anywhere from 3 car lenghts, to almost with my licsense-plate through her trunk. Speed-up almost ram the 18-wheeler, slam on the breaks, slow down; move forward, tap the breaks, move back a bit, slam on the breaks; repeat for 5 miles. Arrgggg!

IF YOU'RE THAT OLD DON'T FUCKING DRIVE! YOU ARE A ROAD HAZARD!

I feel better.

**********

R finally arrived, at 6:15 with JM in tow, to a mess of having 9 people and 8 tickets.

A little side note on Jamie: she was not too long ago "in-love" with R, or thought she was. R says he is not attracted to her in the least bit, but that doesn't comfort *me* in the least bit.

JM has been seeing this guy named Mike for a while now, but I suspected her infatuation from the start and I did not like when (pre-Mike) it was confirmed. I still think she's just biding her time until she can get with my boyfriend. R is the type that doesn't feel physically comfortable with someone unless he can talk intimately with them. They are quite close and this makes me a little nervous. I'm a jealous woman. I'm posessive but don't like to be posessed.

Typical Scorpio.

I do honestly like her. We get along in a girls-against-the-boys kind of way, and we have Rich in common. The little nagging doubt still remains, probably because Rich and I were fighting.

Judging by my activities of late, I'm a hypocrite, but there is a difference between being physical with someone and being emotionally involved.

That's probably why I feel so guilty when I see Jason. Even if we didn't have sex (incredible as it is) I would still feel that way because there is intimacy with Jason. He's also my friend, I talk to him, we share things.

I *want* to be really intimate with Rich. I want to be able to talk to him. He just makes it so damn hard sometimes. Our fights over stupid bullshit have derailed a part of our relationship, and finding the tracks again is difficult, especially when he always waits so long that they're almost overgrown with weeds, covering shiny metal, and when the train starts rolling again, cutting through, as painful as it is, we keep trying, but he doesn't understand that when you wait that long you can't see the bends everytime, and if you're not carefully you're gonna fall off again.

********

He gave me a hug when they arrived, but the prickly-ness was still in the air as evidenced by the seating at dinner, across from me, but next to Jamie. It was so obvious that Dawn (the one who's wedding I just went to) asked about it when the two of them went outside to smoke a cigarette. I, in need of some nicotine-relief myself went out a few minutes later with Dawn and Helen.

It was better outside. Jamie, finished, and went inside. I snuggled up to Rich because I was chilled, and gentleman-esque, he gave me his jacket.

There was less tension in the air after that. The ticket problem was solved by Dawn who, though disappointed, was satisfied going out to dinner and stayed home when the rest of us left for the tour.

We arrived late and missed the first 20 min. but caught up with the rest of the tour.
The guides took you through the Fort, telling ghostly encounters under the cloak of darkness and flashlights. Rich held me close everytime they blacked out the rooms completely. We were mending.

When we got back R, MI, and I wanted to go to a diner. JM bailed and went home, after jumping her truck that refused to start.

We went to the Colonial Diner, MI and R having tea; me the 'colonial house crack' aka coffee. B and I dubbed it that because this stuff *has* to be laced with something. It keeps you up for days. MI and I split a chips, green peppers:'nachos grande':jalpoenoes, black olives, cheese, sourcream fattening mess.

I was given a gracious "Happy Birthday" from both of them, it being after midnight.

It was up to me to drive R home.

He dozed most of the way, but on arrival, kissed me: sweet with missing, passion with sliding lips and tongues. ((happy birthday baby)) And invited me in, to cuddle with him on the couch.

I accepted.

We snuggled close, legs entwined, back against chest, enclosed in arms -- up and under breasts, sinking comfortably down to sleep.

It was 1:45 am.

He woke me at ten of 5, knowing that I had to go to school at noon, and that I would have to go home first. After a few more kisses at the door ((leave before i jump you)) I left, to catch a few more hours of sleep and start my day.

1, 2, 3, 4...

(This is not smut, or porn and it is not always explict so don't be expecting anything)