The second longest relationship (if you can call it that) of my life.

R had promised to take me out for my birthday Friday night (the 23rd) we had planned it for a week. A so-called 'group thing'. I had invited K and her b/f because, frankly, I wanted at least someone else there that I wanted to be there, besides R. R, I know, would have invited some of his friends

I told K that reguardless of whether the plans when through or not, we were still going out.

I had off that day, and spent it shopping with my mom who was buying me my birthday present late. I made out pretty well too. I got $80 worth of clothes: a suit, 2 tops and a pair of jeans. I left Philly around 4 in the afternoon to leave me enough time to beat traffic and still have time to get ready.

K got home from work around 6-ish. I still hadn't heard from R yet. I got to her place around quarter of 8, we waited for a while and proceeded to head to the bar and got there around 8:45 pm.

I had my phone with me, turned on the entire time.

We were having fun, drinking and shooting pool. Horribly shooting, in my case, I haven't actively played in over 2 years.

On one of my trips back from the bar I ran into my cousin Jesse. We both did a double-take. Apparently he was up from Florida for Thanksgiving. I introduced everyone, and basically had a hell of a time.

I had been periodically checking my phone the entire time.

We left at 11-ish, but not before Jesse threatened K's boyfriend. Jesse was acting all big brother-like. He wanted to make sure that he was safe to drive before letting all of us leave.

My phone wasn't getting any service inside of the bar so I checked my messages on the way home. R had left 2 messages.

The night before, there was an emergency at his store and he went in to take care of it, but was also scheduled from 6-3pm that day. I figured he was exhausted and sleeping. I was a little disappointed, but not that upset. I had called his cell phone but hadn't left a message so I wouldn't be the "inconsiderate girl-friend", reeming him out for not taking me out. I was accused of this when we had a little talk a week before.

Well it seems that I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't.

First message at 9:30
"Hon, I just woke up. You called but didn't leave a message. Call me back"

2nd message at 10:30
"Ya know I really don't know what game you're playing. Call and don't leave a message and then you turn off your phone. And I don't know what the fuck you're up to. You probably have some story and some excuse it's all an accident just like it always is whenever I try and call you, and you're probably reeming me for not calling you back as soon as I got home from work or something like that, and I just, just don't know what game you are playing, I really don't."

I called him at 1 am:
"Hey. It's almost one o'clock and I've been home for over an hour. I waited until after 9 for you to call me, and I guess I'll talk to you later."

I almost didn't. But I figured that I at least owed him a message. Meanwhile I had sat outside in my parking lot crying, while K gave me her "you're a great girlfriend, R is being a DICK" pep-talk, with her b/f interjecting his concurring opinion at open moments, both of them saying that I don't need to deal with this kind of shit.

His last message at 2:07 am, while I was sleeping:
Ya know you're a stupid fucking bitch, you realize that? I was fucking up at work till fucking ungodly time last night then I went fucking back in again this morning. And then I fucking go home ane take a nap and you wanna fucking do that shit, well fuck that. It's over."

I got this when I woke up at quarter till 11, in the fifteen minutes before I had to go to work.

I called him back and told him that I knew he had to take care of the store and that he worked all day, so I was being considerate, I didn't get upset -- I figured he was sleeping.

I was a mess.

When I walked in, CY asked me what was wrong and followed me into the office. I broke down. She gave me a hug and I told her that R broke up with me on my voice mail that morning. I composed my self a bit and went out on the floor. V (the Asst. Manager) asked me the same. I told him that I have one less person to buy a Chistmas present for this year.

"You don't mean Rich do you?" I answered him with a glance. He asked me what happened and I told him the same thing that I told CY.

CY, later in the day, remarked that he was a coward. He couldn't even break-up with me to my face.

I wanted, all day, to talk to K; but she left that morning to visit some family, and wouldn't be back until Sunday afternoon. I will be talking to her then.

I need another pep-talk.

I shouldn't be this upset. But I am.

I was supposed to go out clubbing with J tonight. What I did, was show up at his house and barely say 2 words for the first 45 minutes. I went over there because it seemed like the only place I could go. I didn't want to stay alone in my house. And I at least had to show up having told him I would spend time with him.

I wound up crying on him most of the night, pouring my bleeding heart out. I felt weak. I hate crying. I hate relying on people. I told him that I didn't want it to seem like (if it happened, which it did) that I was sleeping with him just because I was upset. He assured me if I just needed a shoulder to cry on that was alright with him.

He's told me many a time if I ever decided that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore that he was, and still would be, my friend first and fore most.

I did need that shoulder. And I did need to lose myself in him, to forget, just for a little while.

Either from the comfort, or the sex, or a combination of both, I left his house feeling better.

I don't know how long that will last.

I also, don't want to hurt J. I had reservations about getting involved with R, for just this reason; the horribleness, this aching heaviness weighing down my body. He was my friend before everything, and I've lost that. It's always my greatest fear, losing people that I care about.

I'm not ready for J yet. I don't want to do this again.

The thoughts that go through my head, fueled by self vainity... Would R even care if I was dead? Would he finally cry for me then, feeling horrible for the last things he has said to me? Aren't I so pathetic? Why do I have this stubborn fatalistic capacity to accept him back? Why the hell didn't I break up with him when this bullshit started? Am I *that* weak, that I feel the need for his acceptance, letting myself be pushed around emotionally, when I know that I shouldn't have had to deal with it? What's with the serious dependancy issues? Why can I never stick up for myself?

1, 2, 3, 4...

(This is not smut, or porn and it is not always explict so don't be expecting anything)